This morning as I lay in bed, still in that deep quiet from a good night’s sleep, I got a message. It’s a message that I’ve certainly heard before, spoken myself many times, and even believed it applies to me on occasion. This morning I felt it. I felt it into the core of my being and for a good few minuets I basked in the reality of it. God loves me and wants me to be happy.
Earlier this week I was on the phone with a friend and colleague and we were talking about this very thing. We were batting around our dreams and struggles, recognizing where we’re getting caught and naming the reality of acting out of a desire for approval and being “good enough” in others eyes. His voice choked up as he spoke, “The Lord loves us. Each one of us. He loves you, just as you are, Anna Woofenden, just because He loves you and He IS LOVE.” My well programmed tapes began to play, “yes, but only if I work enough, am kind enough, do enough spiritual growth, be like…” My friend continued, “The Lord loves you and wants you to be happy.”
Why is it so hard to really believe that? I come from a tradition that has beautiful teaching and theology on God being a loving God. How many times have I examined and looked at how one’s theology of God has profound impact on how we view ourselves and the world around us? Just the other day I posted this quote from my faith tradition to Twitter, “First of all it must be known who the God of heaven is, since upon that all the other things depend” (Emanuel Swedenborg). And I really believe this.
I believe it just as much as I believe that my dear friend that was having a “major failure” evening last week is so very and completely lovable. But as many different ways as I could chat, call, text and email my expressions of love and my absolute surety that the Lord adores her just the way she is, at the end of the day it’s between each of us and our God to work these things out.
This certainly isn’t the first time I’m going through the Divine wrestling match about my self-worth, abilities and worthiness to be loved. And I know it won’t be the last. I’m coming to know this as part of the journey, a journey that is spiraling generally forward (I pray!), sometimes sliding back, and often revisiting areas with extra muck in the corners or places that are stuck. No, I don’t think I’m over questioning whether I’m worthy, good-enough or love-able. But for three minutes this morning I really knew, experienced and basked in the Truth that God loves me and wants me to be happy. Thanks God. You’re a good One.